A year on. An entire year has come and gone since those spitful worlds were said and my world came crumbling down. I wanted to start this blog as something of a confession and end it with how I see the world now. So grab a seat, maybe a cup of tea and I hope as I write these words the last remaining ache I have will finally let go.
I remember my first night back home. In an empty room only with Alice’s travel bed, the few bags I packed for us and a book to keep me company. No night lights, no television, no personality.
I remember you texting me goodnight and I cried myself to sleep. I cried for four months straight. In the morning, while driving, after I saw you, even when I was brushing my teeth. I was going out of my mind. We had a holiday prebooked and honestly? It was the worth week of my life. I loathed you for what you were doing. I saw the disgust and I never felt more alone than when we shared a room. You in a separate bed and me with Alice. Only once closure happened and I felt used and disgusted with myself.
You made me hate myself. You made me blame myself.
When it was you. You left us. You left me when I needed you the most.
I remember lying in bed one night crying and I thought about ending it all. Those thoughts were always there. When I was told what you did… I fell to the floor in a heep and it took my father to pick me back up as he cradled me in his arms while I sobbed broken heartened.
I lost who I was because I felt like I had lost the other side of me. That night while Alice slept peacefully I contemplated going downstairs and getting all the pills I could find to make the pain go away.
I was downstairs when I felt something. I heard a little voice inside me telling me I am better than this. I have been through worse. I have helped friends through this. You can do this. I decided I needed to start hating you. And you know when that happened.
Eventually January hit and I was getting things off my chest. Alice had become even more of my light and love of my life. The greatest gift I’ve ever had.
I dated. I partied. I made memories with friends. I made mistakes. I went on mini adventures and we started to be sorta be friends. Then you confessed something to me and tried pulling me back into your world.
The now toxic world filled with lies and broken promises. I am glad I knew how to stop myself. I am glad I had distractions and people to help keep my head above water.
Fast forward to now, as I type this Alice is in her own room fast asleep and I am waiting for keys to our new home and I am a better stronger person.
The man I am with. And please note that word “man” has opened my eyes to what a relationship, a healthy relationship is. I am always going to be grateful for him. And I know deep within my heart this is real and true.
I won’t forget what you did, I won’t forget how I didn’t help what happened. And quite frankly, I won’t forgive. But as a parent and as a mum, Alice needs her father and really that’s all that matters. I doubt you will read this personally but I don’t doubt your spies won’t tell you *waves*.
We will be stuck with each other forever. So we might as well try to get along. No matter how many times silly people want to ruin it. Our daughters happiness is far to important and happy parents means a happy child.