Its currently 12.43am and I am sat up in bed with blurry eyes and a throat that burns. I have been crying for the last half hour. Sobbing in fact for the depression demon has showed his ugly head once again.
I know I should be aiming to sleep because I know my sweet Alice will be awake around 3am for her cough to disturb her and for her to cry out for me to reassure her and cuddle her back to sleep. Thus waking me up in the process to stay awake for another hour for the same thing to happen again. By the third time I give up and bring Alice into sleep with me, just so I can catch some Z’s myself, even if it is only an hour or two. I have learnt disturbed sleep is the worse kind of sleep. No matter how many hours you are in fact in bed.
Today, I woke up fine, did my day as usual but as the night time rolled in and the fight for bedtime happened I began to feel a little more stressed than I have been in almost three months.
You know those over thinking thoughts that run through your mind and ruin any smile you had on your face or good thought of that day? I know this feeling far to well and on my good days, I still have that little demon on my shoulder whispering things in my ears trying to get me to just lower my gaze an inch, reduce my smile and positivity down until there is nothing left.
I control it for the most part. Put on that face and smile for the world to see and sometimes I even manage to convince myself that I’m OK. But in all honesty? I’m not. Hell I am even wondering as I type this will I even post it? It’s rambles after all. Just endless words that perhaps hold no meaning.
I have fought with depression since 2009, since that moment my world fell apart and it took two years to feel whole again and then in 2016 it was ripped apart again and I was left isolated and alone to fix myself.
Tonight, I know deep down I am not alone. But that doesn’t mean I am 100% OK. About 50% yes, I am just over half way there and I am proud of myself for that but dear Lord this is getting so difficult to fight with yourself every single day.
I am a good mother. I am a good person. I am a loving girlfriend. I am a wonderful daughter, sister and auntie.
I tell myself that every single day and sometimes I believe it all and other times I don’t believe a single word. Depression is a funny thing isn’t it? Coupled with money worries, stress about parenting, anxiety about your world, every day can be a challenge.
I know some of you who perhaps might read this and think man up! You got it easy and others might know just what I am feeling. To both those types of people thank you, because in a way you are pushing me forward to get better.
I have such a long way to go and as I type this with my eyes now stinging from the lack of sleep. I realise that life can be such a sucky thing sometimes but if I take every day as it comes, look at my beautiful little girl as she smiles at me every morning and just push through. I know I will get there in the end and so will you.
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