This is just an extract from a story that has played on my mind for months now. I wanted to share it with you as I feel it does have a message behind the words.
“I don’t love you anymore.”
She knew as the words slipped out of her mouth, she regretted them instantly. He looked at her with sorrow deep in his eyes as they began to well up. He took a breath in and sighed before standing up from the seat he had taken beside her and wandered into the kitchen without a single word.
She sat there watching every step he took, from the smallest motions of taking a mug from the cupboard, to putting the freshly boiled water into the cup whilst adding his milk and sugar accordingly. He took a sip slowly before setting it back down on the kitchen counter, feeling her eyes burning into the back of his skull.
“I’m sorry this isn’t the life you wanted.” His voice cut the silence like a warmed knife through butter.
“It’s not that…” She paused biting her lip as if to stop the words. “You’re just…” There was another brief pause, she was finding the right words to say “We’re… It’s not the same anymore.”
Life had changed dramatically since he started a new job and she at home most days trying to build a business. He would come home expecting dinner already cooked and a nice clean house ready for him to destroy. She had become his mother in all sense of the word and no longer did he look at her with that same primal look he would give her when he demanded a taste of her. And as she withdrew herself from him, no longer fighting for his attention she watched as his eyes wandered to other women not realising what he was doing to her.
“I wanted to fix things. I wanted us to try and get past this rut. But I can’t.”
It wasn’t that she didn’t love him. He was the love of her life, they just weren’t on the same page anymore and she doubted even if they did sort some issues out, they were no longer on the same path.
“I want you to want me the same way you did when we met. And I know it’s silly and I know things change, but this was meant to be our next adventure but all you’ve made me do is replace the jobs your mum would do at home.”
He turned to look at her wide eyed and shocked. Had in pushed her into that role? He thought that’s what she wanted to do. Play the house wife while he went out to work and earned the money. Surely that wasn’t the real issue here? He questioned it all for a minute or two before taking another sip of his tea and then returning to sit in a seat opposite her.
“I love you, but…” He stopped for a second and watched as she shifted her weight, waiting for him to finish. “I do think we need sometime apart. This isn’t what we wanted is it?”
She swallowed back the tears that were forming. She had no intention of this conversation happening but after that row over the phone earlier she was on a warpath when he returned home.
“I’m sorry I said I don’t love you.” She tried to take the words back already knowing she couldn’t. “You’re the love of my life. But I don’t want to be your house wife or mum… I want to be me.”
In the last two years she had forgotten what it was like to just be herself. She had pushed so much of herself away in order to make room for him, she’d lost sight of what she wanted. She use to play music late into the night while working and sometimes dance around in her underwear… She’d forgotten the last time she’d done that. She use to just jump in her car and drive off, grabbing a few friends and spend the day at the beach, now she would be questioned if she didn’t take him.
So much had happened since the start of their relationship. They fought, they made up, the declared their love, they hated each other and became an epic love story in their own way. But they had forgotten that they were also individual people. Not always a pair.
“I think this is it.” She uttered.
They sat there in silence for a few minutes before she got up from her seat, she went over to him and kissed him lightly on the cheek before grabbing her bag, coat and keys and headed for the door.
“A part of me will always love you. But for now, that part is closed.”
Shutting the door behind her, she left him sitting there contemplating her last words. He would always have a part in her heart and she knew it would affect her for the next few months as her journey began. However she knew deep down it wouldn’t influence her choices and it would only push her to become the person she needed to be. And if in many years to come their paths would cross, perhaps they would start again because after all, love sometimes does have terrible timing.