I am writing this while my whole house is asleep. Alice is dreaming away and the dog is snoring by my door and I am over thinking and allowing the thoughts of stress, worry and life overcome me.
If you had said to me this time last year that my life would be completely different, I would laugh in your face, tell you to stop talking such rubbish and sod off! Well… How wrong would I be?
I was having a long conversation with Alice’s father this afternoon about what was, what is and what shall be. We cleared the air and closed the door on all the things we regretted not saying and doing. Would it made any difference if we had done all that last year? I highly doubt it. Becoming parents and staying partners just wasn’t in the cards for us and now we have both moved on and are happy.
Acceptance they say is the final step of grief. I am still on step six…
RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH:
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
How right that small quote could be. It has taken me almost six months to stand in front of the mirror, look me dead straight in the face and say ‘You Got This Melanie’. After everything that happened and how my life just fell apart and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it… It is now falling slowly back together.
I had a lot of people to thank for helping me get this far. Lifting me up off the floor when anxiety got the best of me, looking after Alice when I needed five minutes to myself, coming shopping with me when I was too scared to go out on my own and to my Dancing Guy loving every damaged part of me like he does with the good. I am thankful to the hearts in mine and Alice’s world and accepting who this new version of me is…
It’s wonderful and no longer feels like a battle to me. I suffer from PND. Depression. Anxiety and panic attacks. Does any of that make me any less of a mum? No. It makes me more human. And at no given point in your life should you question your abilities as a parent just because you may need five minutes to yourself, to go for a drive on your own, to rely on the help of others or just want to have that cheeky nap.
Accept who you are at this moment. Right now. Be the best version of yourself. Be OK with your demons, continue to fight this fight we call life and live. Go on that bloody date already! Dream those big dreams and Make them happen!
I’m making them happen… So go ahead! Take the leap of blind faith. Might be the best thing you ever did. And don’t pull a Mel 😉